"I've Got Your Secret..."

So here we are. I'm still paid up until tomorrow so you realize that means I still live with you until tomorrow, even though it's obvious by now that I'm not there.



In this last year, there was a point that, because of the way I was living my life, you were one of the only people in it. And maybe I didn't tell you, but there was even a possible moment where, against all decent reason, I let you be the only person in it.

It's for the best that such is not the case anymore for either of us. But I remember, always, and this, a song I listened to all throughout every memory of last year, is a tribute to you.

I love you.

Thankful

I went on YouTube to include this song I've always loved and listened to all day, on my blog... and stumbled upon an amazingly daring video to go with it.

Take Five

Ok so I admit, I'm posting a lot of YouTube videos on my page recently, but I've spent nearly every off-moment I've had, since going back to work, looking at obscure live music performances of musical geniuses on that site. I'm posting this one here of George Benson, not necessarily to share, but so as to never ever forget it... I love this one.

It's my blog and I should be writing to myself and creating my own time capsule anyway so whatever, I'll post whatever I want and that ways it's more enjoyable when I look back at it.

When there's about 3 minutes and 40 seconds left of the song, there's an amazing moog solo and from that part on, it seems like the whole band has, for that moment, left their bodies. I've never seen anything like it.

Good Afternoon...

Back at work after a long and eventful weekend. Hopefully more about that later...

For now, August 13th's daily recovery meditation from the book "The Language of Letting Go":

"Friends

Don't overlook the value of friendship. Don't neglect friends.

Friends are a joy. Adult friendships can be a good place for us to learn to have fun and to appreciate how much fun we can have with a friend.

Friends can be a comfort. Who knows us better, or is more able to give us support, than a good friend? A friendship is a comfortable place to be ourselves. Often, our choice of friends will reflect the issue we're working on. Giving and receiving support will help both people grow.

Some friendships wax and wane, going through cycles throughout the years. Some trail off when one person outgrows the other. Certainly, we will have trials and tests in friendships and, at times, be called on to practice our recovery behaviors.

But some friendships will last a lifetime. There are special love relationships, and there are friendships. Sometimes, our friendships - especially recovery friendships - can be special love relationships too.Today, I will reach out to a friend. I will let myself enjoy the comfort, joys, and enduring quality of my friendships."

The Quick Exchange

Co-Worker: "Hey Eric, how have you been?"
Me: "Miserable." (smiling)

Co-Worker: "I look like a flight attendant." (pointing towards her headset).
Me: "Can you demonstrate to us how to exit this company safely?"

Moving On...

In all facets of life. Changing. Evolution.

Perfect 10's

Just to keep things a little lighter on this blog, and because this blog is about being perfect, here's a great YouTube clip of 2 of Nadia Comaneci's historical "Perfect 10's"... the first ever in Olympic Gymnastic history.

Miles Davis - "Bitches Brew"

Tonight's Music Wishlist

Good Lord this is exhausting...

Soulseek, a once powerful yet underground p2p media swapping client is not what it used to be. I've been on hours trying to download certain albums, and it usually doesn't take this long! I'm just going to hope that I wake up in the morning and all the following desired and treasured albums will be downloaded.

On the list this evening:

Rickie Lee Jones - "Rickie Lee Jones"
Rickie Lee Jones - "Pop Pop"
Rickie Lee Jones - "Girl At Her Volcano"
Marianne Faithfull - "Broken English"
Miles Davis - "Bitches Brew" (finally)
Marshall Crenshaw - "Marshall Crenshaw"
Joni Mitchell - "The Summer of Hissing Lawns"
Joni Mitchell - "The Ladies of the Canyon"
Jackson Browne - "Jackson Browne"
Jackson Browne - "For Everyman"
Jackson Browne - "Running On Empty"
Neil Young - "Decade"

Yes I'm into a 70's and early 80's Singer/Songwriter mood again., with a special emphasis on self-titled debut albums.

As far as Joni's concerned, it's time for me to venture away from the standard "Court and Spark" and "Blue" albums and immerse myself more into her catalog beyond merely owning those and her greatest hits compilation. "The Summer of Hissing Lawns" is the single most exciting download of the night, you should check out the sample audio clips on allmusic.com.

With Rickie and Jackson, I own singles by them but never really decided to look too deeply into what they offered. Listening to their clips on allmusic has changed my mind. Rickie's voice is so distinct and her sound is so rich that I have a suspicion that she may even become a new personal favorite.

Reviews maybe later. I'm tired

Joni Mitchell (Born Roberta Joan Anderson, My Mom's Old Name)

Joni, We are stardust (million year old carbon), we are golden (caught in that devil's bargain), and we've got to get ourselves back to that garden...

The Jasons...

There are the two Jasons in my life.

With one Jason, I do process groups, education groups, AA meetings, Gay-A Meetings, breakfasts, lunches, dinners, trips to the pharmacy, waiting rooms for various medical appointments, and almost all of my extra-curricular sober fun... This is every single day (including weekends). It's safe to say, if I'm out of my house, I am with him. And if we're not together, we are txt'ing eachother from our meetings or calling eachother after every appointment and keeping eacother up-to-date. It's also common for us to get little comments like "Can't you guys do anything without eachother?", or have our counselors and nurses administering our meds mix our names up (we look nothing alike). We also bicker a ton; usually about things like who could out-drink who, who works 'a better program', which meetings are fun, who is sicker, etc.

The other Jason is my roomate and one of my closest friends over this last year. The way it used to work, and untill these last couple of months, was that I spent almost all of my time with him every weekend. Recently I've been home a lot more, so as my roomate, we spend even more time together (now begrudgingly). This Jason and I are known for our sometimes frequent knock-down, full-on, fights. We are also both known for our early bedtimes while watching movies on weekends, reading his magazines in silence around our kitchen table, and our hanging-out and bonding in the relatively early morning (though that hasn't happened in a while). Our friendship, when good, is very affectionate and sweet, and to be honest with you, I have a hard time being either of those things so I can really appreciate that. In summary, he is both one of my favorite people and sometimes also far from it, but there is no question that I love this one.

That barely scratches the surface of either of these boys. But there's your brief description of two of my most important relationships presently, which just begged to be described.

When Home Feels Like Home...

I feel overjoyed...

About Me and You / After All These Years (AA or Love?)

Before, I felt like I lived in a world I was merely in and not of, and I just don't feel that way anymore.

And what I want to know is, now that we're finally past what will be known as the beginning of our acquaintance... What comes next?

So much continues to come full-circle, it's as if my soul is caught in a tornado.

I'm dizzy... I surrendered 2 months ago.
I'm exhausted... constantly finding people to take your place.
I'm stricken... you fill in this blank.

Hurry up

You're the only option that makes sense to me.

I lied, I don't mind waiting...

Listen -> Observe -> Vascillate -> then Evolve

All videos posted, always have secret messages between me and me. This one's more obvious than the rest.

Check-In

One thing we do about 5x's a day in my rehab program is a thing called a "check-in" where we go around the room, re-introduce ourselves, and run over some very basic facts. Since I've been unable to write, I'm going to do a check-in for you guys, just like I do all day, everyday:

Name: Eric
Drug of Abuse: Alcohol
Days Clean: 6
Cravings on a scale of 1-10: 3
2 Feelings: Alert, Feel like I need a new pair of jeans.
Recovery Behavior: Went to bed at a reasonable hour on a Saturday night.
Relapse Behavior:

Good Morning everyone. Today is Sunday, day of God. Make sure that all you believers out there make a little time to give some thanks.

Grandma / Kyle

When I was younger, I had a cousin who was so close to me, we were like brothers. We spent a lot of our childhood together and we were the only children in the family for a very long time, we were pretty much inseparable. He is currently away in Europe (he's in the military), and this weekend when we found out our grandmother died, his reaction was similar to mine in the fact that it was traumatic and hysterical.

He's on myspace and though I don't keep in touch with him, and he doesn't know this, he's going to be the biggest recipient when it comes to my last will and testament, whenever that day should come. I felt like making sure, that though we don't keep in touch now that we're older, that he should hear from me in this sorrowful time:

Hey Kyle,

I know you know what happened, it all took me by surprise as well. I want you to know that, even though we don't keep in touch, that you can write me about anything you need, anytime.

You and I had a similar relationship with her especially when we were young. You might not remember those times as much as I do, but we were there with her quite a bit.

Both you and I share another bond too though. We are both away from the family right now and that might make things hard on you... it does me too. It's time that you know that I believe that she's now able to be with us every bit as much as she's always been and that she watches over you just like she did when you were growing up.

I love you,

Eric

So Chic, Sooo Trendy

For those of you who read my blog... I'm going to bid you adieu for a little while as I start attending a rehabilitation program in the lovely city of San Francisco. It's going to be at least 2 weeks long but I can parlez that, if needed, to 18 months... which I won't of course.

I will still be able to check on everyone and occasionally, when inspired, I will write... it's just going to be a bit more sporadic from here on out.

Also, I want to mention, that love comes from very suprising sources, and I don't want anyone to ever think that I don't have people who are supportive around me, despite how unhealthy my environment can be. This weekend I found a deep well of love from a lot of people that I'd never expected it from.

False alarm. I didn't get fired. I was given a written warning, which is still only the predecessor to a final written. My boss had to schedule an appointment with HR to give it to me, which is a little spineless, considering the fact that I had a written once 2 years ago and it usually consists of just handing me some paper to sign. My boss is scared of me though, so I can't blame him.