Finally Going Home

To a place where there's love overflowing...

Committed...

For the last 2 years, I've found it next to impossible to accomplish all the things I say I'm going to do on my days off. So I'm trying a new tactic, well it's not really new, it's the oldest and most proven tactic in the book... make a "To Do" list. Well here's my "To Do" list containing everything I foolishly pictured myself doing this particular weekend, also added are the things that I have no choice but to do, like walk the dog that's staying with us this weekend or go to my commitment at Fireside Chat. Whatever it is, here's the list, wish me luck.

Groceries: Conditioner, Coffee, Toilet Paper, Food Items, Razors, Deodorant
Buy Table
Buy Comfortable Chair
Walk Dog
Read "To Employers"
Read "Codependency No More"
Resumes and Cover Letters
Clean Room
Unpack Final 2 Boxes
Call and ask people about 4th Step
Laundry
Fireside Chat
Facial
Make CD Tim D, Tim M, Hugh
Meet w/Sponsor
Castro St. Fair


Call: Hugh, Megan, Missy, Laure@, Chuckie, Eric S., Terry, Scott, Victoria, Felicity, Kat, Mike G., Phillip H., Phillip G., Tim D.

My Favorite Things

Below this post, photos taken from some of my favorite people and sent to me. My favorite things.

Sending and Receiving Some Life

Only now as I've gone thru my phone to clean up some excess mess in order to clear away some space for something new, have I realized that I've accumulated quite a many pix-messages from my friends. One friend in particular sends me no less than 3 and up to 8 pix-messages a day. I was always the type of person who thought the cheap built-in camera on a cellphone was next to useless, but now that I see all these pics, I'm kinda starting to see the appeal. Besides, with me always being away from home, it's really comforting to get these occasional slices of life. Here's a taste:

















Photographers: Tim Dent, Adrienne Heim, Jason Mort, Tim Madera, Chanelle Bautista, Angel Saemai, and Yours Truly.

Love Always.

Work Quote Of The Day:

Management: "Sooo Eric, when are you going to clean up your desk?"
Me: "When I'm sure I have a permanent job here at Lifescan."
Management: "Good answer."

Today Is My Birthday...

Today is a day of rest and relaxation. Do not bother me! Today, I will give myself a gift by taking a moment of my free time to schedule an appointment with a pshychiatrist.

"I've Got Your Secret..."

So here we are. I'm still paid up until tomorrow so you realize that means I still live with you until tomorrow, even though it's obvious by now that I'm not there.



In this last year, there was a point that, because of the way I was living my life, you were one of the only people in it. And maybe I didn't tell you, but there was even a possible moment where, against all decent reason, I let you be the only person in it.

It's for the best that such is not the case anymore for either of us. But I remember, always, and this, a song I listened to all throughout every memory of last year, is a tribute to you.

I love you.

Thankful

I went on YouTube to include this song I've always loved and listened to all day, on my blog... and stumbled upon an amazingly daring video to go with it.

Take Five

Ok so I admit, I'm posting a lot of YouTube videos on my page recently, but I've spent nearly every off-moment I've had, since going back to work, looking at obscure live music performances of musical geniuses on that site. I'm posting this one here of George Benson, not necessarily to share, but so as to never ever forget it... I love this one.

It's my blog and I should be writing to myself and creating my own time capsule anyway so whatever, I'll post whatever I want and that ways it's more enjoyable when I look back at it.

When there's about 3 minutes and 40 seconds left of the song, there's an amazing moog solo and from that part on, it seems like the whole band has, for that moment, left their bodies. I've never seen anything like it.

Good Afternoon...

Back at work after a long and eventful weekend. Hopefully more about that later...

For now, August 13th's daily recovery meditation from the book "The Language of Letting Go":

"Friends

Don't overlook the value of friendship. Don't neglect friends.

Friends are a joy. Adult friendships can be a good place for us to learn to have fun and to appreciate how much fun we can have with a friend.

Friends can be a comfort. Who knows us better, or is more able to give us support, than a good friend? A friendship is a comfortable place to be ourselves. Often, our choice of friends will reflect the issue we're working on. Giving and receiving support will help both people grow.

Some friendships wax and wane, going through cycles throughout the years. Some trail off when one person outgrows the other. Certainly, we will have trials and tests in friendships and, at times, be called on to practice our recovery behaviors.

But some friendships will last a lifetime. There are special love relationships, and there are friendships. Sometimes, our friendships - especially recovery friendships - can be special love relationships too.Today, I will reach out to a friend. I will let myself enjoy the comfort, joys, and enduring quality of my friendships."

The Quick Exchange

Co-Worker: "Hey Eric, how have you been?"
Me: "Miserable." (smiling)

Co-Worker: "I look like a flight attendant." (pointing towards her headset).
Me: "Can you demonstrate to us how to exit this company safely?"

Moving On...

In all facets of life. Changing. Evolution.

Perfect 10's

Just to keep things a little lighter on this blog, and because this blog is about being perfect, here's a great YouTube clip of 2 of Nadia Comaneci's historical "Perfect 10's"... the first ever in Olympic Gymnastic history.

Miles Davis - "Bitches Brew"

Tonight's Music Wishlist

Good Lord this is exhausting...

Soulseek, a once powerful yet underground p2p media swapping client is not what it used to be. I've been on hours trying to download certain albums, and it usually doesn't take this long! I'm just going to hope that I wake up in the morning and all the following desired and treasured albums will be downloaded.

On the list this evening:

Rickie Lee Jones - "Rickie Lee Jones"
Rickie Lee Jones - "Pop Pop"
Rickie Lee Jones - "Girl At Her Volcano"
Marianne Faithfull - "Broken English"
Miles Davis - "Bitches Brew" (finally)
Marshall Crenshaw - "Marshall Crenshaw"
Joni Mitchell - "The Summer of Hissing Lawns"
Joni Mitchell - "The Ladies of the Canyon"
Jackson Browne - "Jackson Browne"
Jackson Browne - "For Everyman"
Jackson Browne - "Running On Empty"
Neil Young - "Decade"

Yes I'm into a 70's and early 80's Singer/Songwriter mood again., with a special emphasis on self-titled debut albums.

As far as Joni's concerned, it's time for me to venture away from the standard "Court and Spark" and "Blue" albums and immerse myself more into her catalog beyond merely owning those and her greatest hits compilation. "The Summer of Hissing Lawns" is the single most exciting download of the night, you should check out the sample audio clips on allmusic.com.

With Rickie and Jackson, I own singles by them but never really decided to look too deeply into what they offered. Listening to their clips on allmusic has changed my mind. Rickie's voice is so distinct and her sound is so rich that I have a suspicion that she may even become a new personal favorite.

Reviews maybe later. I'm tired

Joni Mitchell (Born Roberta Joan Anderson, My Mom's Old Name)

Joni, We are stardust (million year old carbon), we are golden (caught in that devil's bargain), and we've got to get ourselves back to that garden...

The Jasons...

There are the two Jasons in my life.

With one Jason, I do process groups, education groups, AA meetings, Gay-A Meetings, breakfasts, lunches, dinners, trips to the pharmacy, waiting rooms for various medical appointments, and almost all of my extra-curricular sober fun... This is every single day (including weekends). It's safe to say, if I'm out of my house, I am with him. And if we're not together, we are txt'ing eachother from our meetings or calling eachother after every appointment and keeping eacother up-to-date. It's also common for us to get little comments like "Can't you guys do anything without eachother?", or have our counselors and nurses administering our meds mix our names up (we look nothing alike). We also bicker a ton; usually about things like who could out-drink who, who works 'a better program', which meetings are fun, who is sicker, etc.

The other Jason is my roomate and one of my closest friends over this last year. The way it used to work, and untill these last couple of months, was that I spent almost all of my time with him every weekend. Recently I've been home a lot more, so as my roomate, we spend even more time together (now begrudgingly). This Jason and I are known for our sometimes frequent knock-down, full-on, fights. We are also both known for our early bedtimes while watching movies on weekends, reading his magazines in silence around our kitchen table, and our hanging-out and bonding in the relatively early morning (though that hasn't happened in a while). Our friendship, when good, is very affectionate and sweet, and to be honest with you, I have a hard time being either of those things so I can really appreciate that. In summary, he is both one of my favorite people and sometimes also far from it, but there is no question that I love this one.

That barely scratches the surface of either of these boys. But there's your brief description of two of my most important relationships presently, which just begged to be described.

When Home Feels Like Home...

I feel overjoyed...

About Me and You / After All These Years (AA or Love?)

Before, I felt like I lived in a world I was merely in and not of, and I just don't feel that way anymore.

And what I want to know is, now that we're finally past what will be known as the beginning of our acquaintance... What comes next?

So much continues to come full-circle, it's as if my soul is caught in a tornado.

I'm dizzy... I surrendered 2 months ago.
I'm exhausted... constantly finding people to take your place.
I'm stricken... you fill in this blank.

Hurry up

You're the only option that makes sense to me.

I lied, I don't mind waiting...

Listen -> Observe -> Vascillate -> then Evolve

All videos posted, always have secret messages between me and me. This one's more obvious than the rest.

Check-In

One thing we do about 5x's a day in my rehab program is a thing called a "check-in" where we go around the room, re-introduce ourselves, and run over some very basic facts. Since I've been unable to write, I'm going to do a check-in for you guys, just like I do all day, everyday:

Name: Eric
Drug of Abuse: Alcohol
Days Clean: 6
Cravings on a scale of 1-10: 3
2 Feelings: Alert, Feel like I need a new pair of jeans.
Recovery Behavior: Went to bed at a reasonable hour on a Saturday night.
Relapse Behavior:

Good Morning everyone. Today is Sunday, day of God. Make sure that all you believers out there make a little time to give some thanks.

Grandma / Kyle

When I was younger, I had a cousin who was so close to me, we were like brothers. We spent a lot of our childhood together and we were the only children in the family for a very long time, we were pretty much inseparable. He is currently away in Europe (he's in the military), and this weekend when we found out our grandmother died, his reaction was similar to mine in the fact that it was traumatic and hysterical.

He's on myspace and though I don't keep in touch with him, and he doesn't know this, he's going to be the biggest recipient when it comes to my last will and testament, whenever that day should come. I felt like making sure, that though we don't keep in touch now that we're older, that he should hear from me in this sorrowful time:

Hey Kyle,

I know you know what happened, it all took me by surprise as well. I want you to know that, even though we don't keep in touch, that you can write me about anything you need, anytime.

You and I had a similar relationship with her especially when we were young. You might not remember those times as much as I do, but we were there with her quite a bit.

Both you and I share another bond too though. We are both away from the family right now and that might make things hard on you... it does me too. It's time that you know that I believe that she's now able to be with us every bit as much as she's always been and that she watches over you just like she did when you were growing up.

I love you,

Eric

So Chic, Sooo Trendy

For those of you who read my blog... I'm going to bid you adieu for a little while as I start attending a rehabilitation program in the lovely city of San Francisco. It's going to be at least 2 weeks long but I can parlez that, if needed, to 18 months... which I won't of course.

I will still be able to check on everyone and occasionally, when inspired, I will write... it's just going to be a bit more sporadic from here on out.

Also, I want to mention, that love comes from very suprising sources, and I don't want anyone to ever think that I don't have people who are supportive around me, despite how unhealthy my environment can be. This weekend I found a deep well of love from a lot of people that I'd never expected it from.

False alarm. I didn't get fired. I was given a written warning, which is still only the predecessor to a final written. My boss had to schedule an appointment with HR to give it to me, which is a little spineless, considering the fact that I had a written once 2 years ago and it usually consists of just handing me some paper to sign. My boss is scared of me though, so I can't blame him.

I Know You're Watching.

It's been a little over a month since I've kept up with this blog and for that I'm certainly proud. Out of the people who've been reading regularly, there have been a few suprises. It's nice to know that these people who've held important positions in my life check up on me (even when I never realized they did).

And now, their names and positions:

Megan (The Mother of My Future Gay Children)
David (The Best Boyfriend Our Friends Have Ever Had)
Drew (The God-Like Voice Above, From The Genesis of My Blog-History)
Bianc@ (My Warrior)
Melanie (The Ultra Competitive Big-Sister Figure)
Kevin (My Beloved Ex-Boss)
Jackie (The Hostess of My Hideout)
Gary (My Voyeuristic Ex-Boyfriend)
Alex (The Best Friend Who Makes Blog Hits From Athens)

I love you.

I wonder who else is watching?

Hold Please...

My life is a never-ending series of things put on hold like, cleaning my room, contacting people who've been trying to contact me, taking my damaged clothing to alterations.

At this moment:

Actual Posts = 36
Drafts = 17

One more draft and we've got a 2:1 ratio here.

I have 3 more "I'm an alcoholic and I need help" appointments for the next week. Also, there's a lingering possibility I might get fired today. Whatever, it's good, I'm not worried, the soul naturally rejects poison just like your body does.

I also have Missy to look forward to tonite, Coffee with Henry sometime this weekend, Maybe give Rich a shout and take him out to lunch for his birthday. These things are good. Let this weekend be a sensible one, full of a bunch of simple things in life...

High

Was it me or did your ass try to refer to my blog in the way that only you would do? And did I pick up on that shit in only the way that I can? Or was I just high?

Dream

I am in a baseball card store which is really my room when the Ripken brothers walk in, Cal and Billy. We share laughs, I'm very confident and sociable with them and I'm feeling very underwhelmed by the Ripkens because, though I respect Cal and all that he's done, I was never a fan of the Orioles. I tell them that I have Billy Ripken's error card (which I do in real life) and we talk about how the card-collecting industry tried to play off the writing on the bottom of Billy's bat as saying "Rick Face" instead of "Fuck Face". I also go on and on about loving the version I have, despite it being the least collectible, because Fleer attempted to cut it out with a machine and in doing so missed it and it was perfectly legible on the knob of Billy's bat.

The dream then fast forwards and Billy is gone and it's just me and Cal in my room reading. Cal Ripken then suggests we go for a walk, and we do, but now he's turned into George Brett who I absolutely adore and admire as a baseball player. The dream then turns into some fuzzy sunshiney montage of happiness where me and George Brett are jogging, playing racing games, and he teaches me how to catch despite the fact that he's a 3rd baseman. Imagine that, some alpha male baseball player teaching me how to "catch".

Anyways, then George Brett asks me if I know any other baseball players. I start telling him how Barry Bonds was my stepfather in the early 90's when he was with the Pirates (this is true, in the dream) and that Willie Mays would attend my holiday functions (since he is Barry's godfather). The whole thing about Willie and Barry underwhelms me though what does excite me is gossiping to George Brett that the late Kirby Puckett was an astronomical asshole and that Mike Schmidt was very kind and loving but also a bit of a primadonna (It's not untill right now as I type this that I realize, telling George Brett that Mike Schmidt is a primadonna, is a baseball in-joke). There was also another baseball player who I was extremely close to, actually, but of course I can't remember him right now.

Snippets

Saved from LiveJournal's past and uncovered last night when taking a trip back.

"Each day I forget who I am more and more. It's like my own consciousness is hiding from myself...or is my consciousness only trying to preserve itself? Is that why I enjoy talking to navysatan? Does he remind me of who I want to become? In mythology, I identify very closely with the trickster. He is a mediator between man and god. He himself is not a god, but he enjoys many of the lattitudes of Immortality. He provokes, riles, solves. He is an icon of supreme compassion. Prometheus was a trickster, and he brought fire to man. What will I bring."

Though the sentiment is antiquated. It's still the nicest thing anyone has ever said kinda sorta about me... And actually, it's also kinda sorta true when I have my strength and wits about me. Stick around and find out :D

And So It Does...

Today I started to spread a little office rumor that Angela, my coworker, was and is going back to being Anorexic. I happen to think it's funny.

Good Morning...

So my new catch phrase over the last year is "Good Morning". "Good Morning" in the morning, in the early afternoon, when I come home from work, at 2am when greeting someone after a night out... "Good Morning" all the time.

There's a reason and a root for using "Good Morning" as my main greeting, no matter what time of the day it is. It was one morning at work, funny enough, at the water cooler... giving a canned greeting to my co-worker, he stops and says...

"Good morning... you look like you just woke up..."

And my blank face and sarcastic response...

"yeah for the first time in 27 years..."

Which of course, broke some ice resulting in a giggle and a knowing smile from the two of us just before we walked back to our cubes. And though I was proud of my comeback despite high levels of exhaustion, I actually took a second to meditate on what that could mean...

So now you know, what I secretly mean when I say "Good Morning" is that it's the potential beginning of a new day and a new start, and you can have that at any time of the day... any time you want it.

Ramblings...

So let's be honest before we start lying.

I'm going to preface this post by saying I've been drinking pretty steadily for the last 6 hours. You would think after a day like this, that might be the last thing I'd do, but I couldn't help it. Drinking today is hopefully the beginning of my final days for doing so... It feels like spending time with a great lover towards the end of a long torrid love affair.

Today was rough. Very rough. Yesterday was great and full of love. But today I finally got myself to see a counselor in what was conveyed to me as the first and very basic step of a long process of therapy and AA.

I can't even begin to explain to you all how sad I am that I'm here again.

So I began to sob at my appointment. I found out the counselor who was going to be helping consult me was FREE to me and downstairs and less that 100 steps from where I work. I felt betrayed. I've spent more than a year, completely and openly telling people within my workplace about my alcoholism... these last 3 months spent very vocally asking people to help me find out how to use the resources available to me. There was never any answer. Nothing.

Then one coworker, among the last people I'd expect to help me, Ms. Tonya Love who took notice. Before she dropped me off at BART last weekend she told me by the time I'd come back from SF from my weekend and back to work that she would have all the research done and all I'd need to do was schedule the appointment. When I came into work yesterday and found out that she kept her word, I was very nearly moved to tears. As it turns out, the help that I actively sought was merely downstairs and very easily within reach. She had used her exemplary reputation to get thru the red-tape that had been standing in my way.

Tomorrow, I have to follow-up with my counselor and tell her that I've completed certain steps... an appointment with a psychiatrist and a plan for going to AA either here or in SF. She also gave me a plan. Told me about the paperwork I need to get to get my time off, the disability I might need to go on. She discussed the various types of AA, informed me that she could get me rides to AA if I needed them... and meanwhile she extracted the very basic sweeps of all the things I'd been internalizing over the last 10 years, and told me that more help was on it's way if I'd only promise to let her help me.

Unfortunately, my appointment with this counselor was scheduled during my lunch break. I reported back to work immediately afterwards with a blank expressionless face. My first appointment with therapy since I was 18 had stolen my soul for the afternoon. It was as if I couldn't see. I couldn't see them, those people who I've become close to over the last 2 years. I decided at that moment that I needed to go home.

My walk home was one of the emptiest and loneliest walks of my life. I stopped by a japanese restaurant, got myself something to eat and began to drink beer after beer after beer, by myself, with nothing but me and my IPOD.

We shall see what happens from this step. I hope for the best and fear the worst. We'll see....

Shout Out

Hahaha. Hey, it's as artful as the early 80's gets and they just don't make songs like this anymore. The asianish girl's standing swim across the stage midsong brings extra smiles to my face.

Besides, you were due for a shout-out per our conversation last night...

Cover Boy...

Once upon a time, I was the Jennifer Hudson of the business world... A short-lived media-sensation of the "New Economy". I woke up most mornings for about a month to phone calls from either my union-representative or messages from reporters who wanted to interview me or my fellow union-leaders about the situation at my company and more importantly, the newly discovered underbelly of the dot.com business environment... I won't elaborate right now because that's definitely a post for later.



But when people wonder why I'm such an intensely strange personality at work, I can't help but shrug and say, "Well you know, once upon a time, I was a spunky little meth-head and one hell of a worker...". This particular issue of which I snapped a photo of w/my camera phone is actually the issue that was delivered directly to my company. Imagine what certain higher-ups felt about all that brand new exposure. I just had to have it. There were other interviews, but the magazine says enough, "Return of the Crummy Job." I take it with me as a good luck charm to every job that I ever become jaded towards to remind me it could get a whole lot better and a whole lot worse.



I love Jackie Heinz. She was there when we were all going thru this. I feel at this point she'll always be around simply because of this crazy bonding experience. I just invited her to read my blog before I decided to write this... so this post is dedicated to her and to my soon to be former-job...

Bye BITCHES....

Just For My Records.

I hate to tell you everyone, it might've taken a lot longer than usual, but I am officially back in full swing with my American Idol obsession. These next few months will be my most innocent of the next year.

Prediction to win: Jordin Sparks
Favorite Idol: Melinda Doolittle
Dysfunctional Fave: Chris Richardson

HATE: Phil Stacey, Gina Glocksen (ironically one of my favs from last year), Chris Sligh
LIKE: Blake Lewis
INDIFFERENCE: Sanjaya Malakar, Lakisha Jones, Haley Scarnato
LOVE: The Rest...

Artifact from last year posted in my cubicle:



Yes, that's an autographed picture of Kevin Covais (a now-famous diabetic) given to one of my bosses at a Diabetes Fair and given to me :D

Tongue

For people like me who don't know how to write in general... text messages, blog posts, e-mails, IMs, and any text based communiqué resulting from the technological boom in my lifetime only leave me feeling inadequate. I prefer using my tongue.

Feelin' really good about now.

American Idols

It's too bad there's always a few premature cuts like Ebony Jointer each year on American Idol, when they let schmucks like Phil Stacey and Chris Sligh stay and ruin my whole Spring. You'd remember her from the auditions as the roller-waitress who could sang the Whitney?

A little screecy in the middle, but then again she's singing in her pink/black waitressing get-up in front of a bunch of spooked out ceramic guys in tuxedos while the clinking of people's butter knives stroke the last drops of ketchup onto their basket of fries. I'm gonna give her a break since no one else has obviously ever given her one. :D

Phantom Posts

I wonder if any of my readers have ever caught one of my "Phatom Posts". You see there are many many many more posts that I've written that have only been posted for a couple hours at a time, some only for a few minutes. Several letters to people, Several meandering meditations on the state of my world, several arbitrary video clips that seemed to encapsulate how I felt for the couple hours in which they existed...

If you have ever seen a post and then went back and said "Wait? Wasn't there a post about etc... before?" You are not wrong, there probably was. They either hold no currently relevant meaning or they are not ready to be born yet.

Should the post remain on my page, I may continuously edit that post throughout a period of time. Something that seems unchanged may all of a sudden change. I like how that works though, it feels less like I'm writing a newsletter, and more putting thoughts/feelings down in something that changes as dynamically as my thoughts and feelings do.

On a semi-related note, I hope what I just did doesn't hurt you, but then again, you need to hear it and you need to deal. Then you need to put that small part of your pain away.

With so many secrets and things left unsaid, it's time to start being even more real.

Happy New Weekend.

The weekend is here, I just got off from work, the above doodle I drew in my last 5 minutes and I dedicate it to my wonderful job. Here's to the promise of a new weekend amd all it's many possibilities. Happy St. Patricks and all that. See you guys after the weekend.

Emotional Intelligence

Today, at our "team-meeting" we're having a 1-hour presentation given to us on "Emotional Intelligence". "Emotional Intelligence" in the context our working environment, at its very base level, is the use of what are called "pedestal words" like:

Please. Thank You! Fantastic! Wonderful! Great Job!

No seriously. That's the first layer of "emotional intelligence". The second layer involves appropriate sentences that incorporate these words. For instance, instead of saying "Can I get your phone number?" you say "If you would be so great as a provide me with a phone number, please..."

That's the second layer.

The third layer does get a little interesting and a little more complicated. It's acknowledging the communication pattern the person you're speaking with uses... So an example:

If someone says "I SEE something is wrong with my etc..."

You have to note that they are using the sensory expression of "see" as opposed to "feel" or "hear". So you wouldn't want to say "So to be sure I understand you correctly, you FEEL there's something wrong with your etc..." Instead you would probably want to consciously word it like "I SEE what you're saying, and it LOOKS like you're telling me that something is wrong with your etc..."

Now I'm born and raised in the birthplace of the corporate silicon mentality. For fear of dating myself, I've been in these corporate environments for more than 10 years. Countless things happen in these sterile environments, much like the movie "Office Space", but I'm here to tell you... this too, is nothing but shit. It's exactly this deluge of numbingness that landed my mom, all her friends, and all my friend's parents on cocktails of prozac and xanax in the 80's.

I love how some of my fellow employees who've had this same job for 10 years, or so, sit there at these trainings and become enraptured into this great holy gift of shit training they're receiving. My department is full of people who've had gastric bypasses, and I'm starting to think it's less the suburban food they eat and more the manure they've been fed thru the years... Plain and simply, you are not training them anything. They have no VISION, no EAR for what you're saying, and cannot FEEL anything really.

I had my monthly "one-on-one" with my boss a couple days ago. He said that I was among the pre-selected people that they had to warn about the presentation on "Emotional Intelligence". They feared I would give the presenter a hard time. Yes, I am that person. It's not that I'm rebellious, it's more that they have a good idea that I'm not going to be completely comfortable with being told, basically, how to be a kind person. And on top of that, I have a hard time being surrounded by people where there's a possibility that these concepts could be completely new to them.

Anyway. Being disgruntled at work and detesting the politics behind your work environment is nothing new. Being among the small handful of people out of 200-person environment, who the whole department SEES does things a little differently is ok. Me and Chanelle are a very visible tandem at work. Someone in my most recent row of 12 cubicles unknowingly complimented me the other day:

"You know Eric, when you're in a bad mood, the entire row can feel that you're in a bad mood, and everyone is quiet and doesn't talk and just focuses on their work... but when you're happy and you're talking, the whole row lights up and everyone has a great time."

Which just goes to show that "Emotional Intelligence" runs a lot deeper than saying "Please..."

Ok this is my last post about work for the week, I promise.

Origami Bouquet

Like a corporate guerilla entrenced amongst the endless horizon of greyed cubicles, I try to bring a whole new color and some irresistible flavor to the traditional art of escapist doodling...

This being the happy 1st day of the second 6 months of my 28th year, I decided I wanted a bouquet of classic origami irises... but felt limited and displeased by the remaining pieces of my origami paper stash. I decided to lift my artistic flair for creating beauty out of the supply cabinet, to new heights.

Step 1: Take regular white printer paper and fold, cut, form paper into an even square. [ ]
Step 2: Take a THICK black permanent marker used for labelling boxes and doodle my own pattern on remaining square of printer paper. (The black marker gives the effect of traditional Japanese brush calligraphy)

Example:


Step 3: Fold the now-patterned origami paper into the classic origami "Iris". (To find out how to do this, follow the youtube clip posted towards the bottom of this post)

Example: (Click on picture to see larger version)





Step 4: Take flowers and tape them to a piece of wire just stiff enough to form a stem and place them in company logo'd glass or coffee mug. (It's ok, 2 that my company have given me are painted in lead and have stickers saying that they are unsafe for drinking)

Voila! You have yourself a bouquet on your half-birthday. Enjoy!


PS: The girl in the video... "beep beep" indeed.
PPS: Flower #4 in the grid has little x's and o's for you boo :D

Fuck Wednesdays...

Just lost my temper again and yelled at someone at work... my whole row of cubicles went quiet. It was about T-pins for christsake!!! T-pins are like pushpins in the shape of a "T". They allow you to post things on harder cubicle walls. People are asking me if I'm ok, and others are taking sides.

I know what you're thinking... there must have been something running deeper between me and the girl whose ass I just chewed a new hole?? You're right, it was because I felt secretly she was sabotaging my project which consists of me getting to design the Easter decorations for our "Team Board".

Yes, it gets this petty and a lot more stupid.

(Post amended: This is the 2nd time I got confrontational with someone at work this week, the last time was with a member of our "leadership team", who then proceeded to tell Chanelle who reports directly to her, to tell me to be nicer to her... my boss's reaction? "Eric you have people mind-tripping", Haha, I like that...)

Ramblings...

Is it even possible to feel down-trodden on a day like this? If there is, I'm looking for a little gloom, please send some my way.

Of course the goal from here on out, is to remember how I feel right now so that I can call upon that feeling whenever I'm caught in a vortex of sour feelings.

Yeah it's totally that easy.

Two nights ago, I was in such a deep sleep, that I remember my dream being longer than my weekend... and my weekend was longggg. And you and you and you and you were so there, in that dream.

The last thing I remember about it, was that I was inside that Thai boy again, unpreferable, but not a bad finale.

Dedicated To Two Very Special People I Only See On Weekends...

Silicon Valley

At work, even though we all have cubicles in the same very large room, sometimes Microsoft Outlook is all we have to keep in touch with eachother...

-----Original Message-----
From: Caballo, Albert [LFSUS]
Sent: Monday, March 12, 2007 1:43 PM
To: Anderson, Eric [LFSUS]
Subject: RE: I DIE A LITTLE MORE EACH DAY

i am that 17 days u did is impressive!!! + your meals = this lent thing has been a success!!!

-----Original Message-----
From: Anderson, Eric [LFSUS]
Sent: Monday, March 12, 2007 1:30 PM
To: Caballo, Albert [LFSUS]
Subject: RE: I DIE A LITTLE MORE EACH DAY

YOU WOULD BE SO PROUD OF ME... I BARELY ATE ANYTHING THIS WEEKEND!

-----Original Message-----
From: Caballo, Albert [LFSUS]
Sent: Monday, March 12, 2007 1:28 PM
To: Anderson, Eric [LFSUS]
Subject: RE: I DIE A LITTLE MORE EACH DAY

everyone does...we should do sushi again that was good

-----Original Message-----
From: Anderson, Eric [LFSUS]
Sent: Monday, March 12, 2007 1:20 PM
To: Caballo, Albert [LFSUS]; Dunhour, Angela [LFSUS]
Subject: I DIE A LITTLE MORE EACH DAY
Importance: High

A REMINDER

Eric Anderson!
L I F E S C A N
1 . 800 . 227 . 8862 (x2132)


-----Original Message-----
From: Anderson, Eric [LFSUS]
Sent: Monday, March 12, 2007 1:01 PM
To: Dunhour, Angela [LFSUS]
Subject:

IM GONNA KILL YOU

Unbelievably Monstrous...

When Fashion rears it's ugly head...

Fancy Clown

"I hear you in the background - whenever I phonnnnne - telling your brother - to say you're gonnnnne... youuuuu've been dipping aroundddd... uptownnnn... with some fancy clown"

Mercury/Retrograde/Why

Oh yes, Mercury you retrograding fool, you. Oh what you have done to me over the course of these last many years. On your watch I've endured 3 layoffs, lost 2 homes, and seen several relationships break apart. I've lost wallets, broke cellphones, computers... I'd like to think all because of you. Oh, how I love you every bit as much as you love me...

Let's take a deep breath, Ahhhhh, we can all resume our normal lives.

Though it usually takes about 3 more weeks for everything to get back to normal, today is a special day because it is the very final day of the first of 3 mercury-retrograde periods of 2007.

For those of you unfamiliar with the concept of Mercury-Retrograde, allow me to explain. Every 3 months or so, due to the alignment of the houses in the sky, or an optical illusion, or I'm not even really that sure... Mercury appears to orbit backwards across our night sky for a 3 week period. Symbolically, in Astrology, this is a period of regression usually centering around matters of communication. Several of my friends and I fear this period. It's a time when the party ends, the music stops, and we all run and hide in our homes, under our blankets, untill it passes. To sum up what happens, everything that could go wrong, goes wrong.

To make matters worse, each retrogradal period has it's own meaning. The retrogrades of this year happen to occur during the air -> water-sign months, meaning: All things EMOTIONAL that could go wrong, will go wrong... all EMOTIONALLY-centered communication will suffer static. It's a bad bad sign.

Below are some specifics from two websites, they'll help me to elaborate

"Starting with the Mercury retrograde in February/March 2007, our emotional connection with our spiritual self will be reviewed and then we will look back to the air sign of Aquarius, ruling humanity. We will begin to refocus our connection to others according to the intuitive and spiritual connections we have. This adjustment will have many varied events that prompt us to review our spiritual blueprint and how we are integrating our own spiritual directions with those of others."

AND

"We experience important and major transitions during the Mercury retrogrades in 2007. Because 2007 is universally a NINE year (in numerology), signifying a time of completion and endings, the Mercury retrograde process becomes important in the adjustments required for our journey through the end of the NINE-year cycle – that started in 1999 – to bring issues to closure and final completion. Mercury retrograde provides the opportunity to adjust our thoughts, attitudes and decisions about our old direction and clear the decks for our new direction to emerge as we move toward 2008. The adjustments that are slated to occur in 2007 are in Air and Water signs.

These signs of the zodiac and relates to our inner emotional and spiritual world and the mental adjustments that need to change at this time. The purpose of Mercury retrograde is to review and revise our life and our connection with reality. The timing of this universe is geared toward the Sun as it moves through the zodiac. Mercury has an orbit that at times gets ahead of the Sun allowing us to look into the future toward new and innovative ideas. However, we cannot continue in that vein until we come back to the present designated by the Sun and put our new ideas into manifestation. During the time that Mercury jumps ahead, we ultimately have to bring the ideas back into the present to test and evaluate to see how they fit into our life. As Mercury retrogrades back into the present, the connection with the Sun happens as we test drive our ideas and re-align with reality and the natural timing of the universe.

The Mercury retrogrades that are occurring this year (2007) provide the opportunities for us to make mental and emotional adjustments during the Mercury retrograde time frames. These adjustments will be very necessary as they allow us to make major changes, emphasizing completions and endings, as we go through the NINE year of transitions of 2007."

Now I know those excerpts don't sound so scary, in fact there's a lot of positivity for once in those retrogradal translations... but review your last 3 weeks. Tell me if anything has gone wrong for you emotionally (that might have started within a 3-week window before Feb-13th), or think about what your friends might have said to you about what's going on with them. Just you wait. Read a little more about it by entering it into google. Try to measure up past retrogradal periods w/moments of woe in your life. You'll be creeped out by what you find. I promise...

I think the next one happens right during Gay Pride...

Work Haiku...

The deal has been broken.
This machine's wheels must turn without me.
A day this grueling? Never.

This is How I Feel Tonight...

I haven't been up this late on a worknight in a long long time. The first clip is of one of my favorite songs of all-time and it's been dedicated for years to someone I truly love and miss dearly (though I can't imagine it's the real video since it's all clips from Lost in Translation... don't even think there was a video for it). The second clip currently holds court on my myspace, is the other song I love from the same band, and is dedicated to the possibility of someone new.



~Fin

Magnets

Magnets are among the many creative things I make at work. My Keith Haring magnets are the toast of the town.

I usually take people's old calendars or cutouts from magazines or even doodles I've made and I like, then paste them to cardboard backings, then take magnetic work materials (like little things they pass out that say "Stay Focused", ironically), cut them into strips and glue them to the back of the cardboard.

Voila! You have magnets. A little color for your grey corporate world. My friend's have tons that I've made for them over the last couple of years. Enjoy!

Link Break @ Work...

I've never even BEEN to Omaha!
Fortune born in the Year of the Golden Pig!
Sad Day, R.I.P.

And while I'm at it...

...I'm going to address these other 5 past romances of mine, that in all these years still have yet to reach full closure, in a line or two. I'll make it cryptic to be discreet.

• It's not easy always having to justify why I loved you or even know you because you're fucking nuts...
  
  
• You scare me and were the manifestation of a idle mind...
  
  
• You knew I loved you more than anyone ever, luckily you're the only one who ever knew that, and now I could not think less of you and you disgust me...
  
  
• You were never a good person, you're terribly uninteresting, and I cheated on you 8x's. I hate your muthafuckin ass.
  
  
• The shit between us was so bad, that though I would try to know you again, I know it's truly impossible because you're the only person I'll never forgive, bitch...
  

Forgive me, though, whomever reads this (that's of course if you're NOT in the list above), I'm just blowing off some steam. There, now I feel a whole lot better. :D

Ramblings...

Our conversation last night left me really disgruntled.

Must I entertain the possibility that it's completely the wrong message to tell you that you always have an open ear when you call or an open door into a lifelong friendship with me? Should I have been colder and never have reminded you how much you meant to me? Told you that I don't want you as a friend? Let you feel like I never cared and that you were lost in your own emotion?

Does that hurt you to hear?

Just like always, I bend to your circumstances... let you prioritize work, school, or your general state of mind, over me. I allow you to come and go and call when you please... let you say goodbye only on your terms.

But, you're gonna have to really understand me when I say it's time for me to prioritize my emotional state and my life. I'm amending my treaty with you and letting you know, right now, that if you call me again, you will need to be ready for friendship and only friendship. Do not hang up on me and do not overlook my honesty, my willingness to be candid with you, and kindness...

And on top of that, I'm bringing a fresh new element into play that might jar you... and it's my firmness in this decision. Our relationship has run it's course.

Chinese New Year Pics Pt I

Yes, That is our Chinese/Black ?beauty? Payshintz from Season 2 of Flavor of Love in the pics w/Chanelle and James.

Chinese New Year Pics Pt II

People are getting drunker in the dusk...

Chinese New Year Pics Pt III

Are Eddie and I the only people who knew to wear red?

You Look Like...

A couple of weeks ago, Angel told me a game she plays at work using everybody's favorite search engine Google, and though the level of childishness is unmatched... I like it.

Edit, from what I've been told, everyone's been doing this game, fuck off, still fun...

So to keep things light and to reverse my blog's tone... here are the very simple rules. Open up your google... type in the search field "Eric looks like" (Or any name you chose, don't forget the quotes). You can either be fair and take the first description that comes up, or you can pick your favorite good/or bad quote. Since I'm fair, I'll list the first one that comes up for me:

"Eric looks like a very dirty Sunday School Jesus-clown who teaches children about Christ through humor and balloon sculptures."

Some others, unfairly selected:

"Chanelle looks like a bloke in drag... "

"Ed looks like Ben Affleck with down syndrome."

"Laughlin looks like a tough guy but talks like he has a Muppet in his mouth."

"Gary looks like he has an eating disorder and he's usually pretty attractive."

"Son looks like a fag to me."

:D

So of course this begs the obvious question...

What the hell are people writing about the people they know in their blogs?

The Old Me

Over on the right... under one of my "page elements" you will see the links to the blogs of some people who I hope to keep in contact with. Many of these blogs have not been updated in quite some time, but nonetheless, they are people I've loved through the years. At the very bottom of that listing of blogs, is the link to my old Livejournal.

Should you be interested in a very antiquated line of thinking...

Finally...

I haven't spoken to Gary in about 6 months. You know, come to think of it, it's about 6 months exactly, a couple weeks before my birthday in September. It couldn't have come at a better time because I've been thinking about him a lot recently.

Never more so, in these last 6 months, than last night... when I spent most of my afternoon amongst friends in Chinatown SF where he was born and raised all the way untill, well, last September. I recall even walking by the random ghetto apartments where his family lived and pointing towards them w/Adrienne saying "I think that's where Gary grew up..." as if she had any idea at all who I was talking about. Or even wondering w/Chanelle "I wonder if we'll run into Gary today..." though I know damn well that he's living his life as a lawyer in Manhattan these days.

When me and Gary were together, it was impossible not to encounter him, even when we were fighting. We traveled in similar packs... eventually our packs were so similar, there were instances of cross dating between our social groups. We partied in the same places. I ran into him EVERY time I went out, broken up or not. And we broke up several times only to end up putting eachother through another cycle of pain and delaying the inevitable.

Gary stopped talking to me just before he was about to embark on his fresh new start. He knew it was right for him. He also knew he loved me and that I had warned him what the dangers would be if he were to be with me, and though he didn't want to believe it, he watched it all come true. I told him very nearly at the start of our relationship that he shouldn't get involved w/me because as with everyone in my life, I will grow very close and we will be mutually attached... but... to be with me would be putting yourself in a foolish danger and that there were many perils to being involved w/an alcoholic whose prior relationship was mentally cruel and abusive.

So we cycled in an out of relationships for more than a year, unable to be apart and having the constant confrontation of running into eachother drunk or on ecstacy... and for those couple hours setting aside all the logical reasons for being away from eachother.

Gary is a self-made success story. As mentioned before he grew up in the ghettos of Chinatown w/his garment district working mother, blind father, and two sisters all in a small apartment within a project building. He'd tell me stories of walking into the elevator to go to school and finding it covered in blood. He did well in school, fought for his individuality, went directly to Georgetown after graduating from the distinguished Lowell High School in SF. After Georgetown he went to Berkeley's Boalt Law School and pursued his ultimate dream of being a civil rights attorney. And what impressed me most was that he maintained his flamboyance, his fun-loving disposition, and his pure heart which was nothing but loving all the while juggling the strenuous schedule of being a law student at a reputable school. He was a good boy personified. He was always something to be proud of.

Anyway, the point of my post is to mention that he finally let me speak to him. I'd tried numerous times and especially through the holidays to reach out selfishly knowing I'd be opening up old wounds. Gary was in love with me and I merely loved Gary. I loved everything about him, but was as I still am, unable to fall in love. He used to muse about how he was going to figure out how to move me to New York with him, or how he was going to have to adjust his life to incorporate me. These were unfulfilled dreams and I knew they would be. I told him today that, though I understood the reasons why he could no longer maintain contact with me, that I've felt that without him, the year that we spent together felt like it didn't exist. I told him about the progression of my alcoholism... he knows all about it... it's main growth occurred when he was my love and he'd schedule my doctor appointments to make sure I was well. I told him about my weight gain, and how I went from semi-cut to semi-fat... that made him laugh. He told me what it feels like to be lonely in a studio in Manhattan, and how also it feels to be independent. Ultimately though... we just reflected about the aftermath of an extremeley emotional time for both of us. And FINALLY, I was given an opportunity to remind him of what he means to me in perspective of the greater good.

Gary has changed the model of what I look for in a relationship. Though I haven't really been on the market since he was in my life, he exemplifies the purity which will eventually be all that I have time for. He's also a warning against hastily throwing myself into emotionally delicate situations. You'll have to forgive me for being a little emotional today. I miss this boy terribly.